Silly Facebook Statuses 2018

Silly Facebook Statuses 2018

Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.

I don't get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker..well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet..

Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.

Deaf people don't have safe words, they use stop signs.

Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.

Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, What did he just say? Who is that guy?

My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.

Is it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music .

We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.

Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.

OMG .. I hate waiting in lines ..I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?

People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.

snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap..

If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me...

I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.

Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004.

Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.

My neighbors listen to some amazing music. whether they like it or not.

I spend hours on Facebook and then think, Well, that was pointless.

I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..

The kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I'm going to need a quick answer for this.

I'm sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.

Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.

Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.

Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.

I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.

Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you"

People around me think I'm losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.

The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

just read a list of the 100 things to do before you die. I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.

Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.

I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little.

I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket . I´d miss you alot and think of you often.

That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching.

They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.

I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.

This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.